I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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