He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
