I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
