I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
