Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Randomize
