Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
