Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
