I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
