my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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