Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
