I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
