No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
