Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
