first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
