I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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