Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
