Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
