dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
