ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
