I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
