RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
