My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
