you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
