why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
