What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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