You can't motorboat a personality
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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