I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
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I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
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Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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