Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Also, beer. Big fan.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
