shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
