Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize