After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
