he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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