I accidentally burped into my bong.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
