mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
