nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
