Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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