Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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