He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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