if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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