If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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