3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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