My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
