you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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