He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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