Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
