Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
