We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
