i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
