So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
