How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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