i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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