I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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