If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
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Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
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I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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