Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
A bitchslap is in order.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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