Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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