I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
