Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
