i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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