Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
