I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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